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Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

Secret Optimism

In spite of the pathetic response to the resumes that I’ve been sending out I persevere in my hunt for a job.  You would think that after so many resumes and inquiries and so few interviews that my spirits would be dampened but I find that with every ad for a job that I’m actually interested in and every corresponding cover letter that there is still a little flicker of optimism left and just a smidgen of positive visualization of myself in an interview for that position.  I’m really surprised at myself because if you asked me I’d tell you that Im a pessimist at heart.  By way of illustration, I’m concerned about the number of crime dramas that I’m watching because I find myself worrying a lot about the thousand terrible deaths I could die just like the people on tv, but I guess that goes to the power of suggestion and that’s another problem altogether.  In any event, while my secret optimism is interesting it’s not doing me one wit of good.  

Delving further into the inner-workings of my brain, I picked up on one of the above-referenced neuroses over the weekend.  Chase and I were invited to donuts and coffee at another family’s home in the neighborhood and lots of other parents and families were invited as well.  In passing, I mentioned to a friend that I was incapable of remembering names and faces because I’ve been studying for the bar and can’t spare the brain power.  Overhearing our discussion about the bar exam, another parent grimaced and commented that he wouldn’t want to go through it again.  So I engaged him in a little conversation that went something like oh, you took the bar exam, are you practicing?  To which he responded well I took the bar in 1998 and now I’m actually a CPA.  I followed up with, oh…  He lost me right then and there because I’m intimidated by age.  I could have asked him how he came to be a CPA or any number of questions just to carry on the polite chit chat but I was paralyzed by my age inferiority.  It sneaked right up on me, he didn’t look that old and I haven’t done the math on it but i graduated from high school the year he passed the bar so, you know.  I find it really hard to interact with other parents when I know that they’re, oh say, 10 years older than I am.  It keeps me from getting to know a lot of people and probably makes me look weird and socially stunted at get-togethers.  As if a stranger’s age is something that I have time to worry about, sheesh.  Ah, well add it to the list of things I need to get over/work on.  

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